It’s Later, Never Goodbye.

Thursday night, I get a text from my friend Claire.  She said that due to a life-changing event that we shouldn’t be friends anymore.  It’s far and few that I receive a message like that.  My heart was racing, I felt the blood drain from my face.  I was panicking, trying to figure out what I did that caused this to happen.

But as it is in most cases, I wasn’t at fault.

Two years ago I went to the dance at AnimeNEXT.  I saw this pretty girl and I decided to take a shot in the dark and ask her to dance.  I wasn’t looking for anything besides that because I was in a relationship at the time.  So, we hit it off pretty well and got together the next night to dance.  On Sunday we exchanged phone numbers and kept in touch.

Needless to say, she found me attractive and really liked me.  But due to our schedules, it was hard for us to meet until July.  She was coming into the city and she wanted to go out on a date.  I was very hesitant about that because me and my now ex had taken a break on our relationship, trying to figure things out.  We did go out on a date, but I never told her why I was very hesitant about it.  We went out again in September before she left for Atlanta.  She was accepted as a flight attendant for Delta, and she left for training.

For what it’s worth, we both kinda wanted to make it work, but we both were going in different directions.  So we kept it friendly.  It was hard for me to keep my feelings in check with her because I truly liked her a lot, and in my mind’s eye, she was PERFECT.  She knew I felt this way, and she’d remind me at times that we couldn’t be more than just friends. I knew this, and she understood that I tried to keep things in check.

In September, on my way back from AWA, we met briefly.  Who would have thought that it would be the last time I’d ever see her again.  She was stationed in Hawaii, because she was doing trips to Japan.  We would Skype date from time to time.  She did make it to the East Coast a few times to visit her family.  It kinda/sorta bothered me about, but I didn’t let it get to me.  I focused on school and work and we’d text on occasion.

Claire mentioned that she wanted to transfer to NYC because her mom was lonely.  I thought that maybe we could try to make things work.  I thought about that and decided to put that thought away because that’s the future.  I needed to work on the now.  So as I said, I would text her to see how she’s doing.  Due to the international flights and the time zone, I never expected a response right away.  I never expect a response from my friends immediately either.  I know that we’re all busy people.

And then boom, that text.  I archived it to my computer and deleted it from my phone.  I also deleted my call log because I saw her face pop up.  She said that I am a great person and felt that she could never reciprocate the high levels of energy I needed.  I never thought I was a high energy person.

Yesterday, with a help of a few friends, I talked about the situation and right now, I somewhat feel that I can move on.  I did text her back if I’m gone from your life to at least give me a reason for it.  No answer.  At this point, most people would just walk away and move on.  But honestly, I can’t.  It’s not in my nature to give up so easily.  But for now, I’m going to have to.  I hate it, but that’s what it is.

One my theories as to what happened is that Claire might have met someone, and felt that being friends with me would complicate life.  Or maybe she got knocked up from a one-night stand or something worse, feeling that me being in her life would complicate things, knowing that she still has feelings for me.

I do hope that after some time has passed that she’d come around and look me up.  I thought about posting a picture of the two of us on here, but I’d rather not, it might undo the progress that I have made with this situation.

Well Claire, I don’t know if you or a friend will see this, but know that you will always have a part of my heart.  You entered my life at a time that I truly appreciate it.  I love you for who you are and never stop believing in yourself.  No matter what, I will always be here for you no matter what.  I will not say goodbye to you because it isn’t.  I will see you later, that I promise you.

Ja mata ne, Claire-chan.

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