It’s a Triggering Effect

Y’know I said that I should blog more, but I don’t.  But when I do, it’s something that’s really bothering me.  As I write what I am going to write, I am somewhat scared of what I’m going to say.  Only because I may lose friends over this.  I don’t want to, I truly don’t.  But I suppose that if I do, they really weren’t my friends in the first place… Well I want to talk about the terrible incident at UCSB on Saturday.  But what I feel that makes my post different is that I want to talk about how it makes me feel.  I’ve read what others have said and how others should be.  I just want to talk about my brief take on this…

Now before we continue, I suggest that we all read my prior post about understanding and conceding.  I’m not going to really talk about what was on that guy’s mind or anything, but how I feel about this.  I feel that this guy was a pure asshole and he took the weak way out.  At first I understood his plight when it comes to women.  I’m just a nerdy guy that goes to cons and so forth.  I sometimes feel that I don’t have anything of value to offer a lady that I’d be interested in.  I always ask myself what’s wrong with me, what the hell am I doing wrong?  But as I discovered more about this guy, I felt myself stepping away and feeling quite sick to my stomach.  This guy grew up rich, spoiled, and can have anything he want.  He felt that he didn’t have to work hard for anything, including women.

Hi, and welcome to my life growing up.  If you’re confused, lemme tell you.  As a child, my mother always sang my praises and said that I could be anything I wanted and do whatever I wanted.  But she never told me that I had to work for it.  She always told me that I was so special that it will come to me.  These words I heard growing up, I’ve been trying to remove from my mind for years.  It would be those words that made me a slouch throughout a lot of my life.  But unlike this spoiled guy, I was around people I saw working hard to achieve what they wanted.  Part of the reason why I enlisted in the Marine Corps.

But at time went on, I’ve gotten a better grip on life… At least I think I have.  But let’s get back to the matter at hand.  One of the social media trends that came out of this was these two hashtags… #YesAllWomen and #NotAllMen.  It seemed like at first they had a purpose, but now if you look on Twitter, it’s become more a fight back and forth.  God forbid if you look at tumblr.  And there have been articles coming out of the woodwork about entitlement, respect, equality in regards to this.  I have read a lot of them.  I do understand what the authors are saying, I do not agree with all.  I have seen my friends on Facebook make statements about this.  Again, I understand what you all are saying, but again, I do not agree with all.

So let me just say this then…

My mother raised me to respect and protect women.  I have never laid a hand on one, not once, not ever.  I will always respect a woman.  If it comes to my attention that I have made a woman uncomfortable in my presence, I will fix and rectify that to the best of my abilities.  I am not that guy who feels entitled around women, never have, never will.  I know my boundaries and I try not to overstep them.  But now I will feel a bit more nervous around a woman if I approach her to strike up a conversation.  I know I am coming off nice and respectful, but she may not see that and will just ignore me.  It has happened before and it is her right to walk away.  But because of what happened, more women will have their defenses up and I just don’t want to come off as that guy.  I don’t think most guys want to be classified as that.

I have come to the aid of women in the past, and in doing so, I’ve gotten my fair share of punches from both sides.  It happens.  I was raised that you should never get involved between a couple fighting.  Now if it gets physical, you best believe I will intervene.  Living with my parents, they fought all the time.  And as much as I wanted to intervene and whoop my stepfather’s ass, I couldn’t because my mother would emotionally guilt trip me into not doing anything.

As I write this, maybe I am defending #NotAllMen.  I’m not that misogynistic guy.  But when I read about his attitude towards women and his thought pattern, a part of me has me thinking that I think JUST LIKE THIS ASSHOLE, and truthfully it scares the shit out of me.  And when my mind thinks like that, I just freak the fuck out and feel like shutting down or striking back.  But I’m thankful I have friend who tell me I’m nothing like this guy and that I’m too hard on myself.  I know, I am my own harshest critic at times.  So when I say that not all men are like that, it feels like we’re the blame because we’re a part of problem and not the solution.  I try not to make blanket statements like that.  If I do, it’s because I’m not thinking straight.

I hope that everyone reads this understand where I’m coming from.  I’m not the greatest writer in the world… But writing does help me to get things off my chest and calm down.  I still feel nervous and jittery tho.

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