Everyday, we look at ourselves in a mirror. Most of us use it for our looks, to see that we are up to par for physical appearance that we so desire. Some of us use the mirror to look deeper into ourselves. It is said that that one can see a person’s soul through their eyes or a mirror. But when it comes down to it and you look at yourself in a mirror, we tend to look deeper and see ourselves and might just ask if this is the person that we truly are? I have found myself looking into a mirror and not just seeing how I look physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I don’t like what I see. But I am starting to see things differently and I am starting to like that.What I am about to say will prolly be a repeat of what I’ve said in prior blog posts. I won’t reference, but it’s not hard to find them.
It’s no secret that for the last eighteen months I have been miserable. I’ve been miserable from my heartbreaks. I didn’t realize this until I was chatting with a friend and I said to her that I’m feeling bitter and resentful. Some of you all have seen this through my various Facebook posts. I look back at some of those posts and I’m like, “I actually said that”. Because of how I felt and how I lashed out, I have lost friends and came near to losing a few more. I wish I could turn back time and take back some of things I’ve said, or taken that time of opportunity to try to fix the mistakes I’ve made.
During this, I have had friends give me all kinds of advice. From “taking as much time as I need” to “man up”. I tried both. But no lie, when you’re given a second chance at love with the woman you want to be with and she just leaves you hanging, and being teased by two other women, it really hurts. You become fragile, withdrawn, ready to blame everyone. I was spiraling down a long black hole. But I somehow found myself coming out on the other side.
A friend of mine said to me recently that what I may say is okay to me and to some people, but not to all. Every time I post, I worry about who is going to be offended at what I’ve said. Some people say that I shouldn’t care as long I get my point across. I can’t be that intolerant. I try to be tactful in the things I say with at least 85% of people agreeing. Yes, I do post controversial topics, but instead of trying to hear both sides, I end up being biased about it. It’s something I’m not really proud of.
I hate that I allowed my emotional pain direct my thoughts. Because of that, I truly feel like I am two different people. The online persona, and face to face. I am thankful for the friends who have stuck it out and have seen my ups and downs. Admittedly, this isn’t my first soiree in writing this. I have made several steps forward, and I have fallen back a few steps. But I hope that I can do my absolute to stay focused and back on track. I want to be the person I was three years ago. It won’t be easy task, especially since I’ve said that I felt the old me coming back. It was side that I don’t like, I emotionally hurt and lot of people during that bleak period and I don’t want to be that again. I want to be the person that I was back in 2011. It won’t be an easy journey for me, but I know that I will make it.
I do know that right after this, I do have a few letters to write out, to tie up some loose ends in my life. I’m not sure how it will be tied, but I embrace it.